I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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