I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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