hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
