maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
