I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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