Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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