can we get nightvision for the apartment?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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