oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
