that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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