Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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