why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
