my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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