I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
