two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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