i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
