hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
this beer tastes like vomit already
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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