I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
