I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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