if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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