I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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