Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
being pregnant is like rehab
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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