I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
