haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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