you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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