apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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