Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
