hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
