I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
