I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
