this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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