She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
