it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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