i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He passed out mid-signature
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
