He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
