my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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