I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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