Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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