We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
