Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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