i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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