It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Found your dick twin last night
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
