So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
