True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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