Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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