I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
