when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
