I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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