Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
