My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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