he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
