I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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